Acknowledge...

My day is filled with choices. Should I do this now...later? How should I go about this?

I believe there may be a word for this.

Procrastination.

I admit it...I am a full-fledged Procrastinator.

I guess it all started when I was in elementary. I distinctly remember waiting 'till the last minute to work on this research binder thing I had to do in sixth grade. I got it in.

Then it continued...spiraled into middle school and high school. I remember spending one whole Sunday...the day before it was due...working on a research paper. We had to have resources and everything. It ended up being multiple pages. I got it done.

Then...came college. I guess that is when I first acknowledged that yes...I am a procrastinator.

Then...I did something crazy. I embraced it. That's right...embraced...accepted...worked it into how I roll.

I decided that worrying about it was doing me nothing but harm...anxiety. I just figured that I would get it done. For some reason it's hard for me to focus on something if it's a long way off.

My rule now is...Don't work on anything until after dark...until after Sarala has gone to bed.

This way I'm focused...it may take me up to midnight or so...but it gets done and I'm happy with what's produced.

Is this the best way to do things? I would say...no. Probably not. It works for me though.

I am trying to break the habit though. I have short chunks of my day that are free to do whatever it is I need to do to get ready for my day. I have been getting much better about using that time to be productive.

So...I bid you farewell for now...to go and tackle paper-grading. To be productive.

Are you a procrastinator? How do you work?

Just some thoughts on a brisk December Tuesday.

Hello Again!

You are looking at the picture of a young lady.

It's amazing.

I know I'm partial since she is my daughter, but her story...the story God has set in motion around her...has been incredible. Little Rudolph here came up with the nose and antler idea on her own, which I though was pretty awesome.

Tonight we had a chance to look back at some old pictures...Sarala pictures. She came to live with us in March of 2007. She was 6 months old and very much a baby. She is no longer that baby. It's awesome and sad at the same time.

Crystal and I have been thinking about what may be in store for us in the future. It's both exciting and scary at the same time. We had a visit from some friends that are on their own God-adventure. This has sparked some thought into what our future may hold...what God may be preparing us for. My prayer is that I will be obedient to whatever God has lined out for us. I guess...not only that I will be obedient, but not scared to follow. He has been faithful...and has blessed us beyond what we could have dreamed or imagined.

As we approach another new year...what are your dreams? Are they God-sized dreams?

I'll leave you with one of ours. We're currently praying about adoption. We've always talked about adopting from China...so...as we approach the ripe ol' age of 30...we're revisiting this and looking at some other options. Hmmm....

An Acrostic for the Day...

You will find this picture on my coffee cup.

It makes me laugh every time I look at it. Why...because it's awesome!

Think back to when you were in school.

Back in the day...the dizzle.

Did you every have to make an acrostic poem using your name?

I currently teach second grade, have for a couple years now...and haven't done this.

If you're not familiar with what I'm talking about...take your first name, write it vertically, and use each letter to start a word that describes yourself.

For example:

Well Dressed
Awesome
Dude
Excellent

Granted...three of my words sound like they may come from the script of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure...there you go.

Your turn...which means I will probably put some more thought into this and hopefully I can come up with something quite awesome...excellent...dude!

Be...

"Abandon your plans of escape & BE where you are. Plant gardens, live & live well. Breathe deeply. Be present, be now." -Kyle Lake, 10/30/05

These are some marvelous, yet simple, words.

Be.

Many of us spend our moments in our past or the future.

I'm guilty of this.

There are times when I'm with the small child and I should be just enjoying...being together...being.

Instead I've wasted incredible father-daughter time because I'm thinking about something that has either happened or something that may or will happen.

So profound...be present, be now.


I leave you with this quote...read it again...take it for what it is:

"Abandon your plans of escape & BE where you are. Plant gardens, live & live well. Breathe deeply. Be present, be now." -Kyle Lake, 10/30/05

Rhythm...

How often do you find yourself...watching something off the DVR like The Office...chewing on some ice from Sonic...blogging...at 12:37 in the AM?

Crystal is now brewing up some hot tea...getting settled in to finishing catching up on The Office.

I know you may be thinking...how awesome is this...how can I achieve this lifestyle...what do I need to do in order to find myself doing these things?

Well...it's pretty easy.

Just do it.

It doesn't have to include these things...you could find yourself doing projects that involve the aesthetics of the home...playing Wii...watching a movie...discussing the latest SNL short (have to give my props to the ground)...whatever.

As this posts...I will more than likely be sleeping, or should be anyway...in preparation for the new week of school.

We had a short respite...something that rocked the rhythm of everyday...humdrum...the routine.

Though it was due to illness, it was quite amazing...the timing...the rest acquired during these last few days.

Essentially we did these things, not in any particular order:

Movies.

Games.

Late nights.

Meals with friends.

Cleaning.

Reading.

Sleeping.

Trick-or-Treating.

Not leaving the house unless it was absolutely necessary.

Now...these are only a handful of the things accomplished during our impromptu break.

Also...you could find yourself doing any number of these things at any given time (except for Trick-or-Treating...it'd probably be best to leave that one for around Halloween...but, I'll leave that up to you).

What I'm trying to say with all this is that we settled into a easy, flowin' rhythm. Time doesn't necessarily have to dictate...rule us.

Life goes by way too fast to be preoccupied with time.

I'm not condoning the irresponsible wasting of time...a practice I've also been known to have some skillz in...but...to use our time wisely so that there is time in our day for our families...friends...things we like.

I need to remind myself of this since I'm just about to enter a new season of life...as a girls MS basketball coach.

It's amazing what one year absent from the coaching world will do...it's been awesome...what I needed, but now I find myself in the stages of mental preparation.

I leave you with this:

Enjoy...be.

You Are Not Naked...

This is a link to a blog post from Jonathan Acuff and Stuff Christians Like

Funny...Satirical...Thought-Provoking....

#512. Thinking you’re naked.

Posted using ShareThis

The Hardest Part...

Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I’m about
Psalm 139:23

Conflict

Confrontation

Confession

Honesty

Reality

Acknowledgment

Sin

These are words that pierce...hurt.

Hard words.

Scary words.

Necessary words.

The Current Rotation...

What are you listening to these days? New stuff? Old stuff?

Here are the albums that are in heavy rotation in my vehicle, on the iPod, and even one via vinyl:

Stockholm Syndrome - Derek Webb
The pic above was taken at Blueberry Hill where D Webb and the incomparable Josh Moore rocked it the other night. The album is a crazy departure from the old D Webb...a lot of synth...progressive...amazing.

Church Music - David Crowder* Band
This album, like the D Webb album, is another major departure from the usual for the DC*B. Like the description above...a lot of synth...progressive...amazing.

Hope Rising - Fee
More rockin' tunes for the Church in general. Soaring guitars...delay...awesome.

What have you been listening to lately?

Anything worth sharing...?

OMG...

We, the little babe and I, were watching The Neverending Story today (I know...awesome right?) and I skipped the part where Atreyu's horse got lost in the quicksand...you know you cried when that happened.

I turned it back to see Atreyu struggling in the mud...looking for the big turtle (I can't remember what the name or purpose was...especially since we didn't finish watching it due to Sarala's Halloween Party) and Sarala asked me what happened.

I told her that Atreyu had lost his horse in the mud.

Sarala then says:

He lost his horse!? Oh...my...gosh!

Love it!

The Journey Has Begun...

I am sitting here...winding down after driving home from the airport.

It has been an amazing evening and I'm glad that Crystal, Sarala, and I got to come along for the ride.

We helped some of our dear friends welcome their new baby boy into their family tonight. Another amazing adoption story.

I was honored to do video for it all and...out of respect for our friends...won't be posting pictures until I've given them the clips and photos I took. It was awesome to celebrate the arrival of a baby boy, from half a world away.

It was especially amazing since Crystal and I went through this ourselves....

I am crazy-happy for them...and am excited for the journey that saw its beginnings tonight.

Taken Back...

I am not a big fan of country music. Never have been...probably never will be. Now...I can listen to some...good music is good music.

There is a reason though...why I can't, notice how I didn't say don't...but can't listen to it(I can't like it as Sarala would say).

I was reminded today of why I don't...and can't...listen to it.

I was driving back from Fred-town and was wanting something different (I've basically had two albums in rotation in my vehicle, which are both fantastic albums by the way: DC*B's Church Music and Fee's Hope Rising).

I figured I would see what was playing on the radio. As usual...the stations were fuzzy...Z107-7...not in the mood for thePoint (a lot of the newer stuff sounds strikingly similar)...JoyFM...B104...the hit station out of cape.

There was one station though...that always comes through. We depend on it for news, weather, sports scores...and...kickin' country. Good ol' J98.

Since it was Sunday afternoon...the playlist was comprised of older stuff.

The music instantly took me back to when I was younger.

We would spend time on the rez...which is the reservation for those of you who haven't heard that before. Whenever we traveled that direction...northeastern MT...Ft. Peck...it felt as if you were stepping back in time...heading into isolation.

Now..the only station that come through up there played country music. I always made sure that I had my Walkman on me...remember those? Yes...but sometimes I would forget and...being a smaller child...usually didn't participate in conversation. What would I end up doing? Listening to the radio.

Mind you...again...it wasn't necessarily current stuff so it actually felt as if we stepped back in time...that we were disconnected from the modern world.

I was transported back to those days as I was driving on 72 back to AV.

I don't really miss those days....

Music...Smells...those are primarily the things that trigger memories for me.

How about you...anything triggered lately?

Some Sunday Night Thoughts...

Lately, the reality of how my actions could match my thoughts...has been applied to the bigger picture....

Am I doing everything I could be doing?

Could my talents....experiences...identity help others?

Could they help to a greater degree?

Can I be doing more?

If my answer is yes...now the hard part....

Why aren't I doing these things?

I have to consider how my possibilities will affect Sarala...how they will affect my family. Though some of my thoughts place us in other parts of the country...I like it here. Sarala is growing up in an amazing community.

It's scary out there and something I try and not worry too much about...but...are my fears hindering some cool things that God has got going on?

I'm going to finish with this:

The journey thus far has been an amazing experience filled with joys, challenges...but ultimately God's presence being a constant...it will always be an amazing journey, irregardless of the twists, turns, bumps....

Right now though...the focus...tomorrow night...we get to celebrate the arrival of a beautiful baby boy with some dear friends of ours....

Action vs. Thinking....

I think about the type of dad I want to be...and I'm reassured that I am the type of dad I want to be because I act like the type of dad I want to be.

Almost confused myself...wait...what was I talking about?

Oh yes...being a dad...the type of dad I would like to be.

Thinking about being the type of dad vs. actually being that type of dad.

The picture above shows Lala and I...sitting in the chair in our living room. We spend time every night reading a book. I'll read it...then she reads to me. I love her retellings.

Lately the books have included classic children's songs: It's raining, it's pouring...Twinkle Twinkle Little Star...Itsy-Bitsy Spider...and...a selection from my wife's favorites (not really...she describes her disdain for this book on a daily basis)...The Gnome from Nome.

I think about these memories...we read every night...talk...and just enjoy each other's company. We try and do this as a family when we're all home at the same time. We eat dinner...at the dinner table together and talk about our day. Sarala tells us about her kids at the daycare (the kids in her room). It's quite entertaining. I love every minute of it.

These are things that I never experienced and I love that I get to provide them for my daughter.

Here's the thought: I want to be that type of dad...so...I am that type of dad.

So...this thought lingers: Do the things I think about coincide with my actions? If yes...then...YES! If not...then...I should act on it or stop worrying about it.

Now...don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm not saying that I'm the perfect dad...that I've got it all figured out...because I'm not and I don't. I am trying though...and there it is...not just thinking about it...trying...acting...doing....

Until next week....

What's Next...?

How often do your thoughts match your actions?

I mean...how often do you think about doing something and actually follow through with it?

These questions are a reflection of my current journey...trying to figure out where the next turn may come...where it may lead...trying to not let trivial things detour the possible.

What does that mean exactly...? Well...again...I'm trying to figure that out.

I was a guest speaker recently at a college where I had an opportunity to share my experiences...the joys...challenges...of being a Native American in modern society.

It brought up a bunch of memories and experiences that I haven't thought about in a long time...which makes the life I lived, 23 years, before I moved here...seem like a completely, separate life.

Identity.

This is what it came down to...identity? Who am I and where do I fit? Where do I belong? I talked about not being accepted by white culture due to my Indian-ness...then not being accepted by Natives either due to my Apple Indian-ness.

So...where does that leave me? I guess it lands me in the middle. The middle has been a lonely place.

This reality has molded me...pushed me through life...into the person I am now. That is my identity. The two seemingly different...contrasting lives...are actually one in the same. This is who I am.

Now what? Are my thoughts complimentary to my actions...or are they in complete contrast?

I've decided to act...make my thoughts happen...and...

it's leading me to begin working on something that I've always thought about.

See...there it is. Lingering thoughts...what if...I should.

Well Wade...do it.

The next step...formulating a direction for putting my experiences into written language.

Yes...a book....



Until next time....

Jumping in...

I did it.

It happened.

I am finally putting some of my thoughts into words...then rearranging those words into coherent sentences.

Then...those sentences are put into paragraphs...a letter...and sent to the intended audience...and it has begun.

The picture above is from just outside Billings, MT...June 2009...on an early, early morning. Early enough that we would be driving on I-90...just before Lockwood...to be greeted with such a sight.

We were on our way back home...to Missouri...from a visit back home. Now, even though I'm originally from Billings...I won't necessarily call it home. My home now...the community in which I live, work, play...is home. My daughter knows it as home. Montana is...anymore...merely a vacation...and at one point...one which I didn't imagine I would come back to anytime soon.

I say this because we were leaving another incident...another bad memory...another incident involving family. So strong were these issues that we ended up leaving as early as we could the following day. We were actually supposed to leave the day before...the day of the incident...but were convinced to stay to see some cousins from out of town.

I was glad for that...but not glad for the events preceding. As I look back now...the words exchanged became a catalyst...something to cause me to act on my thoughts.

I have been dealing with things for a long time...seemingly alone. Various memories, experiences, and thoughts have surfaced from time to time...in mixed company...but more so just to get them out into the air...out into the open.

This last exchange between my brother and I...the seemingly silent, unaware response from my mother...have been a constant thought.

It's amazing how God works...in his own timing...which is quite perfect, compared to our own. I heard Donald Miller speak recently...and some of his words resonate within my mind...still.

He was talking about fatherhood...and the rampant fatherless-ness that is present in the United States. Being a father myself...growing up without a father...drew me to a phrase that went something like:

If you think you're the type of dad that takes your child fishing...and you don't take your child fishing...then...you're NOT the type of dad that takes your child fishing.

That was...is...huge for me. It spoke of the difference between thinking something and actually acting upon it. It was time for me to quit thinking about stuff...it's time for me to pull the crap that has polluted my thought-life for so long...out and to form coherent sentences that could lead to dialogue...healing.

So...this is where I am...right now...as I sit here and type. So far...I have had replies, which is far more that I expected at this point (my family doesn't communicate well...especially if conflict is involved). I will update...along the journey...insights gained from the process...and hopefully...the beginnings of a relationship on the mend.

Updated Playlist...

Sarala's current playlist would include:

David Crowder* Band - How He Loves
Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
The Beatles - Hello Goodbye
The Beatles - I Saw Her Standing There
Kings of Leon - Use Somebody
Lecrae - Jesus Muzik

The journey is littered with them...

Have you ever asked yourself "what if"?

What if....

There is so much that could come at the end of that question.

I'm at a point in my life where I would love to eliminate the need for this question...in reference to my life.

I've had too many of these scattered throughout my life...the journey thus far has been littered with them.

When I think about it...most of my what-if's were the result of fear. Fear of...well...instability. The unknown. Conflict. Failure.

As my journey now includes parenthood...being a father...it's vital that I don't pass this on to my daughter.

My journey has been a rough go you could say. My hope and prayer is that I could use my experiences to at least steer...guide...Lala in what I think could be the right direction.

She has such a fearless personality. She is also strong-willed. These are qualities that God himself gave her and...I don't want to squash them.

I sit here tonight thinking...wondering...dreaming. Decisions that I make about my next steps also affect Sarala. I want the best for her. God has some amazing things in store for her and I don't want to be a speed-bump along her journey.

I love the possibilities surrounding her journey...where it could take her if she's open...fearless. Now...I don't mean irresponsible...but my hope is that she would look to God for guidance...and it also wouldn't hurt if she were to ask what I thought about things.

So...what are some of your what-if's?

I realize there are things that are out of your control...but...which what-if's have resided in your thoughts?

One of mine:

What if my dad had survived cancer? Would I be a different person today if I grew up with my dad? (I lost him at 6 and grew up fatherless)

The Backyard...

Just a couple pictures from a beautiful, Saturday in October....

"I Can't Like It...!"

Sarala has got this phrase she says anytime she doesn't like something or doesn't want to do something..."I Can't Like It!" Again...it's not that she doesn't like...she can't like it. I love it...and have adopted it for anything I try and debate, fight against...or just don't want to do.

Seriously...she's got a good point. I've been having a hard time lately when it comes to letting things bother me. It's been a great start to the school year and I love my job. It just seems that life-things tend to pop up from time to time and...the things that pop up are usually things that really irritate me. So...I've decided to adopt this "I Can't Like It!" philosophy. When I encounter things in my day that annoy me, rub me the wrong way..."I Can't Like It!" Again...it's not that I don't want to like it...I CAN'T LIKE IT! ;)

So...just a drop of wisdom on a rainy, RAINY Thursday night from a small child...who...by the way, is not drinking a small latte (as it may seem from the photo) but is actually enjoying some amazing chocolate milk courtesy of Bauhaus Kaffee....

The Journey...

I'm sitting here on a Tuesday night...the sound of the washing machine filling with water is causing me to continually think it's raining outside. I finished the first book I've read in over a year tonight...and it only took me three days to read it. I don't know quite what happened, or how it happened, but I stopped reading. Life, the Journey became too busy. What did I fill it with? I don't really know and it's embarrassing to say that I can't really think of anything substantial. It'd be awesome to say...I spent time in another country doing missions work...dug wells for people in Africa...but I was actually here...by my computer...not really doing much of anything.

The journey has derailed...so to speak. I'm a nerd sometimes...I know! I used to carry my camera around with me and take pictures whenever I found inspiration. That also stopped this past year. Just recently have I picked it back up, loaded it with my SD card, and kept it close. That's where this picture comes in.

This picture is currently my computer desktop. I love the illusion that the tracks create...you can't really see the end. I want my journey, my life to resemble this picture. Not the black and white part of it...the fact that the tracks lead somewhere...not sure exactly where...but somewhere. I need to get back to reading, taking pictures, blogging, and living life. It's sad to say that I've been going through the motions...the routine I've allowed myself to fall into.

Now, I'm not saying that this past year has been bad...there were some great times...but lasting memories? Not as many as I'd like to say. So...my plan is to continue down the path...stay focused on the journey...not to get caught up in the part I can't see down the road but what's going on around me...the here...the now.

So...I leave you with that...myself with that.

When You Find Yourself In The City...

Saturday was supposed to be spent in Chicago...the whole weekend actually...culminating in a U2 concert. Well...everything, and I mean EVERYTHING seemed to go wrong as I was actually planning the specifics of the trip.

I mean...as this is posting...Crystal and I should be listening to some live U2 at Soldier Field in Chi-town...but alas...I'm here in the valley ;)

Anyway...I thought I had covered myself quite well...done an amazing job for Crystal's birthday by planning this trip last spring, buying tickets, and alotting a budget so we could truly enjoy ourselves...despite the fact that school is in full swing.

So...with all my "eggs" in one basket...the basket was taken from me...thrown to the ground and spat upon...the "eggs" shattered along with it...we didn't go.

The weekend worked out though...quite well...which means we probably weren't meant to go since the weekend spent closer to home went very smooth...was fairly stress free.

• 12 West in Farm-town is an amazing place to eat...great atmosphere, great food, and fairly priced....
• Bauhaus Kaffee is fantastic for coffee, a great cookie, and live music on Friday nights
• St. Louis Art Festival in Clayton proved to be a blast...art + food + music = awesome

The only thing that may have been a little questionable was...this older gentleman I walked past while at the Festival.

Now...mind you...it was in the city...so......yes.

I was pushing Sarala in the stroller as we were walking around, persuing the various art booths and eatery options and I saw these legs + stiletto's heading my way.

Now, I'm normally not one to check out the chicks, considering I AM married...but I was trying to get Sarala's stroller over one of those things that covers a bunch of wires...and I notice these heels and legs in my line of sight.

As I look up to see who it is...so I don't run them over;)...out of curiosity...I find that it is an older, quite old gentleMAN who was wearing some very...short...shorts, a scarf, beret, but was rockin' a full Santa-esque beard and stiletto's.

I imagine he would get mistaken for Santa...if Santa wore heels and showed some leg ;)

Apparently he's about comfort...as I am not about passing judgement, but I was thrown for a little bit...the equilibrium rocked as this is something that one wouldn't normally see around AV and I wasn't quite prepared.

So...just remember that when you're in the city...that...you're IN THE CITY!

Happy Face Song...

Happiness. Joy. Contentment. Peace. These are all words that describe Sarala. This is a picture of a happy face that must be drawn every time we color. And...for some reason Jason Mraz's song "I'm Yours" is known to her as the "Happy Face Song" and she sings it out everytime it plays. I love it...every minute of it....

Tonight we had the chance to take her shopping with some of her birthday money. She ended up picking out some Play-Doh and a movie..."The Emperor's New Groove." The appreciation and happiness she displays whenever she gets something makes it incredibly tough for us not to want to give her everything.

Joy. Plain and simple joy. Hours spent at the kitchen table making various food items out of Play-Doh, serving them to mom, then making some more. The other night she had me make a mouse in the midst of our culinary creation...she then proceeded to "cook" it. Man...we had a laugh. She realized the ridiculousness of cooking mice and...we laughed until we cried.

Tears. Tears of joy. These are the moments of life that I cherish...around the kitchen table...cooking mice. Despite all the issues that seem so big at times...God has provided a sanctuary, place of rest and restoration. God has blessed us so much...beyond measure...through Sarala.

There has been a theme running through my summer blog posts. I've spent the last couple months trying to find peace...actively looking for it, not knowing or realizing that I had it right in front of me...in the form of a Play-Doh mouse grilled, complimented by Play-Doh fruit snacks. Sarala loves fruit snacks;) It has been amazing to lose myself in our nightly Play-Doh sessions and to remember what it's like to laugh, cry, imagine, and smile.

The journey has had twists and turns but I find myself having grown a little...matured maybe...not letting things bother me as much as they would've not too long ago. It's there...all around us...at work...home...school...wherever...amazing God-colors.

I leave myself with this:

I must choose joy, peace, contentment, happy along the journey.

How about you? Where is your peace...joy...happy?

Where I Am...

My Brightness - words and music by Charlie Hall
Well I’ve been hit from every corner
And I’ve been thrown from side to side
And I’m cracked up in the inside
So I come to You for life
Your presence always heals me
So I wanna’ drink it in
You know where we’re going God
And You know where I’ve been

And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning
And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning
And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning around.

Yesterday I felt so angry
And today so insecure
And I hate it that I wrestle with the God that I adore
Your presence always heals me
So I wanna drink it in
You know where we’re going God
And You know where I’ve been.

And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning
And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning
And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning

And I know less about You
But my heart loves You so much more
You’re the bright in sadness
You’re my brightness

I wish this thing could pass from me
But I’m wanting what You want
So bring me high and bring me low
Just hold me in Your love

The Current Journey...

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.
Philippians 4:6

I read some amazing questions/statements/quotes today that sparked some major reflection:

"Am I willing to spend more time in prayer today than I do on worry or fear?"

Are you listening to yourself more than to God?

Worry is like prayer to the wrong god.

So...how do you stack up next to these thoughts?

This is where I've been...dealing with how Cerebral Palsy, though mild, is affecting Sarala.

An Update...August 7, 2009

Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him!
Philippians 4:4

I have had a hard time lately coming to terms with the reality that is cerebral palsy. This past summer has shown me how it can...or could...affect Sarala and I'm saddened by it. The reminders are becoming more frequent as Sarala quickly approaches the age of 3...August 26.

We had an appointment this week with one of Sarala's "people" who asked us some questions regarding her development. It appears that all is well...until we begin talking about gross-motor type things. Her legs are obviously giving her trouble. She's almost three and has trouble running, walking, and jumping. These are things that we don't think about until we are confronted with them in daily life...like today.

We were invited to celebrate another year of life for the child of a friend of ours. He's two and the fact that he's running and jumping like he is...and Sarala isn't...causes sadness. Do I show this? No. It's not evident. It's not even a conscious thought. It only rears it's ugly head when I'm thinking...hoping...praying...and it hits at night. This is where I've been...mourning.

Mourning has caused a change in my mood...a change in my demeanor that lies just under the surface as I go throughout my daily life. It remains as something that hangs in the back of my mind, and as I stated earlier...is not consciously present. I've had a hard time reconciling my hopes and fears with reality...especially since it's summer. Summer is such a blessed time...an amazing time allowed through my teaching career. This is where my rest should come...but it's not...not entirely.

The rest isn't there....here. I find myself awake during the night...my mind a mess. As a result, my prayer-life has been a confusing wad of...thoughts, hopes, fears....

I am happy. I'm not saying that I'm not happy...just having a hard time dealing with what's next...wanting amazing things for my baby girl, who isn't much of a baby anymore.

Then...I read something like the verse above from Philippians and begin to recall the amazing works of God that surround Sarala's story and life thus far. He has done amazing things with her and is still working. He can still work...my faith needs to hold. I can't let the lingering "what-ifs" keep residence within my mind. I need to choose to accept that there is nothing to add to what I'm already doing for my baby even though I would do anything if it would help. God...take these "what-ifs"! Faith...I must maintain that God will continue to do amazing things...and if he doesn't...He's done so much...what a testament to God's ability to work...in the present.

The photo above shows a healthy, exuberant little babe...taken last week.

I leave myself with this:

Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it’s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
1 Peter 1:7

Sarala's Playlist...as of August 4, 2009

If Sarala created a playlist...it would include:
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
Mat Kearney - Closer to Love
Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
Kanye West - Love Lockdown
Skillet - Whispers in the Dark
Caedmon's Call - Sarala, Volcanoland
Journey - Don't Stop Believing.

I love it. These are regular requests in the car whenever we're traveling somewhere...currently.

Resonance...

Listen, God! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King-God, I need your help. Every morning you'll hear me at it again. Every morning I lay out the pieces of my life on your altar and watch for fire to descend.
Psalm 5:1-3

Hello Again

Well...where does one begin? It's been over a month since I've added anything of substance to the blog. It seems like my mind has been a mess...in terms of trying to keep blogging. Much of my mental state could probably be attributed to the fact that I am currently embedded in summer vacation. This is a state of life that I've been able to maintain...well...all my life. My student life and professional have both been directed by the schedule of the school year. Right now...nearing the end of July...I'm right smack in the middle of summer.

So...apparently this results in a lapse of my ability to think about the things going on in my life and around me. It's not that my mind becomes impaired...I just seem to settle into a groove that gets used to smooth...quiet...relaxing...vacation.

Life still happens though. The flow I've been in has been rocked. I'm trying to process and work through a change in the relationship with my immediate family as well as trying to effectively address a possible health concern with Sarala. I think I'm mourning.

I say this because the words of Jesus from Matthew 5:4 have been relentless in their resonance in my mind.

“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

After my visit to MT this past June...I probably won't be going back. Yes...there it is. Something occurred that has solidified my stance concerning the relationship I have with my mother and younger brother. This is something I imagine I will revisit further as I reenter the world of blogging. Family is something I hold dear and I've been holding on...losing grip of my familial relationship with my mom and brother...without any help from my mom or brother's side of things...and am letting go.

Sarala is also having problems with her leg and/or foot. It could be Cerebral Palsy related...then again...it may not be. We've been back into doctor visits lately...Sarala had an X-ray to rule out some things...and we may be looking at an MRI. I guess the mourning factor with her concerns her...Sarala. She's healthy, happy, beautiful...so I don't fully understand yet how I could be mourning...but then again I begin to think of the future. I've had a glimpse of what Cerebral Palsy could do to Sarala and I don't like it. I don't want that for her.

So...this is where we are...the Buckman's. Working through how I need to approach my family (we haven't spoken since I was there in late June) and now Sarala's hurt leg/hip/foot/? Now...to continue watching things that have piled up in the DVR and to continue working through these things by reading...thinking...talking to God...talking to Crystal....

Until next time....

Two small friends...

Potty Training Time...

This picture is significant. Not only is Sarala growing into a beautiful young girl...no longer a baby, but she's wearing "big girl underwear." She's getting tall, talking so much, and is now in the midst of potty training. She's doing well and we're very proud of her.

Summer has officially begun at our house since Crystal and I are both off for the summer and yes...we're settling into the slow, amazing rhythm of summer.

A Quick Update...The Month of May 2009

I "disappeared" from technology during the month of May due to another school year coming to a close...always a busy time. There were also changes taking place that required prayer...thought...planning...time.

Here is a quick recap:

• Sarala was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy
• The following day brought an "inland hurricane" to the area
• School ended on May 22nd
• I've got a new job next year in the district...teaching reading/math in second grade
• I'm reentering the coaching world as a middle school girls basketball coach
  
• Summer school has started...just finished day 4 earlier today
  
• It is now June 1st
• Looking forward to summer break and vacation
• The blog is being "reworked"

Stay tuned for the new "Our Journey Thus Far"

30 Years...

This is a video shown at the in-law's anniversary party last Friday night, April 24th, 2009.

Our Little Rocker...

Sarala's First Easter...Easter 09'

Easter 07'

Easter 08'

Easter 09'

Easter 09'


All I gotta say...look at all that hair!

Remembering...The Day...

March 9th, 2007...Sarala came to Missouri on a plane. It was a surreal experience...preparing for her arrival, getting her room ready, heading to the airport with an empty car seat, taking a little baby into our arms that only had the clothes she was wearing and a blanket, toy...wow.

The picture above is Crystal and I holding Sarala for the first time...she looks so scared. The picture below is her in her car seat...changed into her pajamas after we signed off and were able to take her home with us. What a weird thing...head to the airport with an empty car seat...come home with a baby.

Remembering...The Wait...

It seemed like time slowed way down while we waited to get everything in order so we could adopt Sarala. Paperwork, home-visits, more paperwork...the state of Missouri working with the state of California...waiting, waiting...and yes...more waiting.

The way most of it worked required us doing things according to this crazy time-line. Deadlines...things that only could happen at certain times. Fingerprints for instance...who knew that fingerprints would/could be such an issue.

I remember Crystal and I having an appointment to get fingerprints done for a background check...scheduled for a week-day afternoon, right after school in Farmington. This was during basketball season so I asked my fellow coach if he would ride the bus with my team to Perryville, which is a hour and a half bus ride one way. I remember racing over there, then racing to Perryville to coach a basketball game...then I rode it back. Wow...what craziness.

I know that we were separated from Sarala for her time in the hospital for a reason...there is no way that I would've been able to leave her if I or Crystal were able to see her. The only knowledge about her came from an occasional discussion with her medical social worker.

Then came the day that Sarala was to be released from the NICU into a high-risk medical foster home. It was early November 2006. She was going to live with a nurse until she came to Missouri...which we were at the mercy of the paperwork and Missouri.

I remember Crystal talking to the foster mom...Laura...and being able to hear Sarala "goo", giggle, and cry in the background. Very weird but it brought tears to our eyes...it was our baby girl.

Then...miss Laura did something awesome...like the neurosurgeon...she sent us a picture of Sarala:


You could see the bald spot from her surgery. She's smiling though...which is amazing considering all that she had been through up to that point. This picture...in addition to the one we received from doctor...were HUGELY encouraging to us. God was doing an amazing work...in and through Sarala. I am changed because of that time...the work...the challenge.

Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.
James 1:12

The work that God was doing in me was renewing this love for God that grew my faith...prayer-life. I found myself spending a lot of time in the book of James.... Sarala...she was coming to live with us soon...our baby girl.

Easter MH Worship Set

Let God Arise - Chris Tomlin
Happy Day - Tim Hughes
How Great Thou Art - rocked-out version
Jesus Messiah - Chris Tomlin
By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North
Only a God like You - Tommy Walker?

Remembering...The beginning of the Journey...

I have to admit...it is hard to see God in things...in the world. The way people think about each other...treat each other. Take this picture for instance. This is Plunder Palace. If you're familiar with the place...if you pan out from "GOD"...there's a bunch of junk...clutter...chaos. It's hard to focus on God amidst the chaos...but He's there. I love the visual...the connection to life.

Maybe it's societal, cultural...attitudes...whatever you want to call it...we don't really look for God in things. We get caught up in the clutter most of the time...I just as much as the next person. We tend to forget about God's presence...in situations...circumstances...the fact that He's really in control. Not us. Hard to admit....

Also...our perspective may cover our eyes so we only look at the world in a certain way...in a way that doesn't think or believe that God acts anymore...focused on the clutter...the peripheral...that miracles are only stories from the Bible. I had this view of things...and this is where we continue Sarala's journey.

My prayer-life...faith-life...began a journey during the time that Sarala was in the hospital that continues to this day. We were being told all of these terrible things...and...you could say they were "reality"...but at that point I decided that it wasn't a reality that "had" to be.

A question began to surface...why do we have to accept this? Why can't she get better? At that point our prayers turned towards action...pleading with God to act on Sarala's behalf...heal her.

I was soaking up everything...connecting with God like never before. My prayers...worship...reading took on new significance. I began to read into the book of James. James...after a greeting from James...starts out as below:

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.
James 1:2-8

God has a way with words. He's also merciful, loving, powerful...listening...speaking. It's up to us to pursue a relationship with him. This can only occur through Jesus. What an amazing gift...grace...salvation through the blood of Jesus...bled on the cross over 2,000 years ago. This time of Easter...celebration...God is present...more present than what we think...and Jesus is alive....

Sarala is a miracle. The way God moved during her 67 days in the NICU is utterly amazing and has given Sarala a powerful testimony to God's love, action, mercy, and redemptive power.

Have a blessed Easter weekend!

Remembering...A Quick Break

Today is my first day of Spring (Easter) Break. Therefore...I'm taking a break from the blog for today anyway...to relax...recharge...enjoy the day of non-work. ;)

Remembering...Her Condition

We were blown away by what we were told about Sarala's condition. We had made the decision to go for it in a week and half's time...by Crystal's b-day...to adopt her...regardless of what we were told. It was a decision made after much prayer.... We decided to be obedient...versus "smart".

A medical social worker tried very hard to get us to change our minds. They only decided to give her care after they knew that we would adopt her...that we wanted her.

The outlook was not good. We were told things like..."vegetable"..."extensive brain damage"..."we didn't realize what we were getting ourselves into"..."we were too young"...this isn't just a little premature baby that we were thinking it would be...exact words told to Crystal "this isn't the cute little preemie baby that you're thinking this is"..."you don't live in a city"..."she'll be special needs"....

Only when we received her medical records, which are the size of a book, did we get an idea of how terrible and dire the situation was for Sarala in the beginning. I'm glad we didn't know all of the details until she was in our arms...in our home...HER home.

Here's a run-down from her medical summary:
Born 9 and 1/2 weeks early
Weighed 2 lbs 5 oz
Intraventricular hemorrhage - grade 3
Post-hemmorrhagic hydrocephalus
- These resulted in a resevior being placed in her head a couple days after birth
Drug exposed to meth, marijuana, ecstasy (Mom admitted to meth use 1-2 days before, couple times a week...used intravenously until she realized she was pregnant, then switched to smoking it)
She didn't breath for 30 seconds and was intubated
This is the beginning...first few pages.
She stayed in the NICU for 67 days.

The Neurosurgeon took time out of his own schedule and took/e-mailed us this photo not long after her first surgery. It's one of the most beautiful pictures of Sarala...though sick...broken...she was ours.



Next Post: The journey towards healing begins....

Remebering...the call...

It was my b-day...August of 06'. Man...seems so long ago. I'm going to be 29 this year...wow! Okay, back to Sarala. She was born on August 26th, 3 days before my birthday. We got a call from Crystal's mom on my birthday that informed us of another child born to Christine...Sarala's biological mother. She's had a bunch of kids...all adopted by the family. Apparently she has kids, gives them up, disappears, then reappears when another kid is born. Sarala is number 7...of the kids that lived. I believe that she birthed nine....

So...it wasn't even a thought for us at that time. The question was actually whether or not Crystal's parents were going to try and adopt Sarala...or...at that time...Tamara. For some reason I couldn't help...nor could Crystal...thinking about...hurting for this little baby out in San Fran with no one around her...no one who wanted her. The whispers from God began....

Next Post: The decision...Sarala's condition at birth...the urging of the medical social worker to change our minds...us urging them to give her care....

Remembering...Pt. 1

And when your children say to you, ‘Why are we doing this?’ tell them: ‘It’s the Passover-sacrifice to God who passed over the homes of the Israelites in Egypt when he hit Egypt with death but rescued us.’” The people bowed and worshiped.
Exodus 12:26-27

We've been talking about "Remembering" at church these last few weekends and it's caused some...well...remembering. ;) God has done some amazing things. It's good for us to remember and pass these on to the next generation.
The verse above...from Exodus...refers to Passover...which will explain why Passover is celebrated...remembering what God has done...passing it on to the next generation.

Take this thought...remembering...and think about what God has done in your life...God-moments. My biggest God moment has to do with the little babe in the picture above. We are at O'Charley's in STL sharing a chocolate shake. This was her first introduction to this sort of dessert found in a eatery...which means that everytime we go out to eat now...it's expected that we'll order "something" after we eat our dinner. I love it!

This week I am going to take to look back at the miracle of Sarala. My next post will begin with the events surrounding our thoughts about adopting her...we found out she was born on my birthday...made the decision by my wife's birthday.

It's Friday...

Keeping it simple and short today...here is an amazing post by a fellow blogger about...well...just read.

Simple Truth...

There is deceit in the hearts of those who plot evil,
but joy for those who promote peace.
Proverbs 12:20

Promoting peace.

Joy.

Promote peace = joy.

Simple.

Too often we add to the fire...get in the last word...make something worse to make us feel better, look better...we want justice...things to be made right.

Is this something we need to worry ourselves with?

Is it really worth it?

Sacrifice joy?

What's the cost?

Keep it simple...choose joy.

And yes...do you like my "Rob Bell" style post here...? ;)

Lord let our light shine...

Prechorus:
Broken but singing...our hearts keep shining... broken but singing...our hearts keep shining...

An amazing song with amazing truth...or...as in the movie "Benchwarmers"...A-Maz-Za-Zing!

No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be completely lighted, as when the light of a lamp shines on you.
Luke 11:33-36

Slowing/quieting down to listen...

So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear!
James 1:21-22

Humility. Listening...actively...as opposed to just "hearing." James is pretty straightforward here...harsh. This is a serious matter though...affecting those around us, us, and the opportunity for God to use us. It's about listening...before acting or letting thoughts...words come out of our mouth. How often do we do things, talk to people, make major decisions without listening for what God may have to say on the matter? Does this need to happen for everything? I guess we probably don't need to wait and hear from God if we're trying to figure out whether to get the Baylee Jo's Special or the Baylee Jo's Cheeseburger...though it is a tough decision in itself.

Back to the matter though...the Word. How I've neglected the Word as of late. I tend to not seek much from God when life is going good...smooth. There...I've said it.... Also harsh. Also...I give so much of my time to stuff that really doesn't matter. I come home from a crazy day at work and what do I do...sit down in front of the TV and "zone" for awhile. If I've had a tough day...it would probably do me a lot more good to come home...quiet myself, my heart...my head...and listen to God...and there it is...the key. Listen! Then comes the "Act on what you hear!" part. Too often I do things on my own and from my own understand. So...this is where I find myself right now...trying to remedy this by taking some time to read...quiet...listen.

Crystal left work today sick...and I don't mean just "sick"...but SICK...horrible, flu-like sick. Is it the flu...I hope it's not...but we'll see. She's doing better tonight after resting and was able to keep some crackers and carbonated soda down. Sarala went to bed early and it's left time for me to be quiet...out of necessity since the wife's sick and the small child's sleeping, but...to turn the tv off and chill...read...listen.

There is so much truth in the Word...from God. Hope. Life. Love. Available to all who want it.
As James says above, we need to...let our gardener, God, landscape you (us) with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your (our) life (lives). Imagine the world around your...your immediate daily-world...how different it would be if we were to let God make a salvation-garden out of our lives. This is an amazing life...life in Jesus...God-centered. Why wouldn't we want everyone and anyone to experience this also? We need to listen...take what God is giving us...speaking into us...around us...and act, not the inverse.

So, as you go into the rest of the week...listen for those whispers from God. There it is...it may be quiet...may result in us having to be intentional about seeking him...listening...being quiet...still. I challenge you to join me in this...see what happens!

Birth Certified...

Well, it is official. Sarala is a Buckman. We received her official birth certificate in the mail last Thursday and it's an utterly amazing piece of paper. She was born in August of 06, didn't come to live with us until March of 07...and here we are, Spring 2009 and she's two and a half...healthy...loved...!

And yes...she's trying to give me a kick...;)

"All Because of Jesus"

Had a chance to see these guys last night at The Bridge.

Reset...

In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Psalm 4:4

It's amazing what a little reading can do for you. Last night I found myself in a contemplative state since the school day didn't seem to end so well. Anger. I was angry. The key there is...was. That's the thing though...the school day didn't "seem" to end well. I sat down, opened up Psalms and began reading.

Then...there it was...peace. Found in all of two minutes of reading.

It was like God hit my "reset" button. My day was actually very smooth, my kids had gotten A LOT accomplished. I don't need to let my frustrations with whatever...build to anger. There's no reason for it. It just takes me out of the game for awhile. I had a free afternoon to get a ton of stuff done...an afternoon to come home and enjoy hanging out with my girls...but I squandered it on "thinking." Then, as we were...as some have said..."chillaxing"...it hit me.

Read.

Now, I almost didn't since my main Bible...the "reading" Bible...was in the car and our front yard turns into a swamp whenever it rains. I ended up getting into my ol' duct tape Bible, I've had this thing since high school. I didn't have any plan on where to start other than reading up on David (thanks to the new NBC series "Kings"). Here's a guy that God used regardless of all his issues. So...this lead me to the Psalms and boom...there it was/is.

Not only does this verse hold some major truth, check out how chapter four ends:

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord,
make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4:8

So...it's time for me to "search my heart and be silent/lie down and sleep in peace."

Amazing! God....

"My Enemies Are Men Like Me"

My Enemies Are Men Like Me

(vs. 1)
i have come to give you life
and to show you how to live it
i have come to make things right
to heal their ears and show you how to forgive them

(pre-chorus)
because i would rather die
i would rather die
i would rather die
than to take your life

(chorus)
how can i kill the ones i’m supposed to love
my enemies are men like me
i will protest the sword if it’s not wielded well
my enemies are men like me

(vs. 2)
peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication
it’s like telling someone murder is wrong
and then showing them by way of execution

(pre-chorus)

(chorus)

(bridge)
when justice is bought and sold just like weapons of war
the ones who always pay are the poorest of the poor

(chorus)

The Fam...

"Jesus is holding my hand daddy..."

Nursing infants gurgle choruses about you;
toddlers shout the songs
That drown out enemy talk,
and silence atheist babble.
Psalm 8:2

Sarala said something utterly amazing the other morning. We were on our way to school the and she was in the backseat telling us about holding her friend's hand...which are her stuffed animals. As she was telling us this, she then proceeded to say that "Daddy...my Jesus is holding my hand."

At that point I about lost it. Our amazing little babe...healed by God...a miracle baby...was telling us about "her" Jesus holding her hand. Amazing! We always tell her that Jesus was with her in the hospital when there was no one there...that we would talk to him every night, asking him to heal...take care of her while she was apart from us. Then came that glorious day...March 9th, 2007...a little over two years ago, when she finally came to Missouri to live with us.

I...Crystal and I feel SO blessed and are thankful to God for His allowing Sarala in our lives and doing what he did for her. For her to come back from being almost three months premature with hydrocephalus, grade 3 hemorrhaging, amongst other issues....and now she's a healthy, growing, amazing little girl who is heading towards three...RUNNING towards three and screaming along the way!

"Put that thing back where it came from or so help me...!"

I love Pixar movies. Sarala wasn't around for the release of either Toy Story movies or Monster's Inc. She loves them though. It is tough since they're not new movies anymore...can't find many toys to go with them. So, we have resorted to e-bay and the disney store on-line (since they've closed many of the actual stores).

We received, well...I should say that my wife received a package, in the office at school today that came from Disney. Apparently the items inside, a plush Buzz and Woody were supposed to be "Easter" presents but I couldn't see withholding the joy of her little characters until then so I figured we'd give them to her. So...even though I'm in a little "trouble"...it's all good. The little babe is so happy and appreciative of her new friends and we're chillin'...watching Monster's Inc...Again! It's okay though...I love how Sarala now quotes the parts of Boo in the movie before they happen and man oh man...it's cute!