Jumping in...

I did it.

It happened.

I am finally putting some of my thoughts into words...then rearranging those words into coherent sentences.

Then...those sentences are put into paragraphs...a letter...and sent to the intended audience...and it has begun.

The picture above is from just outside Billings, MT...June 2009...on an early, early morning. Early enough that we would be driving on I-90...just before Lockwood...to be greeted with such a sight.

We were on our way back home...to Missouri...from a visit back home. Now, even though I'm originally from Billings...I won't necessarily call it home. My home now...the community in which I live, work, play...is home. My daughter knows it as home. Montana is...anymore...merely a vacation...and at one point...one which I didn't imagine I would come back to anytime soon.

I say this because we were leaving another incident...another bad memory...another incident involving family. So strong were these issues that we ended up leaving as early as we could the following day. We were actually supposed to leave the day before...the day of the incident...but were convinced to stay to see some cousins from out of town.

I was glad for that...but not glad for the events preceding. As I look back now...the words exchanged became a catalyst...something to cause me to act on my thoughts.

I have been dealing with things for a long time...seemingly alone. Various memories, experiences, and thoughts have surfaced from time to time...in mixed company...but more so just to get them out into the air...out into the open.

This last exchange between my brother and I...the seemingly silent, unaware response from my mother...have been a constant thought.

It's amazing how God works...in his own timing...which is quite perfect, compared to our own. I heard Donald Miller speak recently...and some of his words resonate within my mind...still.

He was talking about fatherhood...and the rampant fatherless-ness that is present in the United States. Being a father myself...growing up without a father...drew me to a phrase that went something like:

If you think you're the type of dad that takes your child fishing...and you don't take your child fishing...then...you're NOT the type of dad that takes your child fishing.

That was...is...huge for me. It spoke of the difference between thinking something and actually acting upon it. It was time for me to quit thinking about stuff...it's time for me to pull the crap that has polluted my thought-life for so long...out and to form coherent sentences that could lead to dialogue...healing.

So...this is where I am...right now...as I sit here and type. So far...I have had replies, which is far more that I expected at this point (my family doesn't communicate well...especially if conflict is involved). I will update...along the journey...insights gained from the process...and hopefully...the beginnings of a relationship on the mend.