Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him!
Philippians 4:4
I have had a hard time lately coming to terms with the reality that is cerebral palsy. This past summer has shown me how it can...or could...affect Sarala and I'm saddened by it. The reminders are becoming more frequent as Sarala quickly approaches the age of 3...August 26.
We had an appointment this week with one of Sarala's "people" who asked us some questions regarding her development. It appears that all is well...until we begin talking about gross-motor type things. Her legs are obviously giving her trouble. She's almost three and has trouble running, walking, and jumping. These are things that we don't think about until we are confronted with them in daily life...like today.
We were invited to celebrate another year of life for the child of a friend of ours. He's two and the fact that he's running and jumping like he is...and Sarala isn't...causes sadness. Do I show this? No. It's not evident. It's not even a conscious thought. It only rears it's ugly head when I'm thinking...hoping...praying...and it hits at night. This is where I've been...mourning.
Mourning has caused a change in my mood...a change in my demeanor that lies just under the surface as I go throughout my daily life. It remains as something that hangs in the back of my mind, and as I stated earlier...is not consciously present. I've had a hard time reconciling my hopes and fears with reality...especially since it's summer. Summer is such a blessed time...an amazing time allowed through my teaching career. This is where my rest should come...but it's not...not entirely.
The rest isn't there....here. I find myself awake during the night...my mind a mess. As a result, my prayer-life has been a confusing wad of...thoughts, hopes, fears....
I am happy. I'm not saying that I'm not happy...just having a hard time dealing with what's next...wanting amazing things for my baby girl, who isn't much of a baby anymore.
Then...I read something like the verse above from Philippians and begin to recall the amazing works of God that surround Sarala's story and life thus far. He has done amazing things with her and is still working. He can still work...my faith needs to hold. I can't let the lingering "what-ifs" keep residence within my mind. I need to choose to accept that there is nothing to add to what I'm already doing for my baby even though I would do anything if it would help. God...take these "what-ifs"! Faith...I must maintain that God will continue to do amazing things...and if he doesn't...He's done so much...what a testament to God's ability to work...in the present.
The photo above shows a healthy, exuberant little babe...taken last week.
I leave myself with this:
Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it’s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
1 Peter 1:7
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