Now What...?

As a face is reflected in water,
so the heart reflects the real person.
Proverbs 27:19

This verse has been a focal point for me in the past couple days. I'm in a strange place right now. Actually...I'm at home, which is strange because I should be working. A sick child has kept me home though. Back to this strange place...I'm talking about my mental state, passion, energy. I'm trying to figure out my next step in life...should I continue education, and if so...in what? I'm also trying to be the best teacher I can be but I don't feel like I'm accomplishing much. We're on the verge of trying something new to do what's best for our kids. Change. I usually don't mind change...but there's a selfish part of me that says..."let's just maintain." I overruled that part yesterday by stating..."Yes...let's go for it." I figured that I'd worry about the details as they come along. So far so good.

I'm having a lot of trouble keeping balance...work and life. I've never had this problem before so it's really affecting me. I should be working on some stuff...but it seems like all I do anymore is work on stuff for school. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with any of it. Then there's the deadlines and then more stuff gets piled on. It feels like I'm just putting out small fires all over the place...which are close to becoming one big fire. My home life has become disorganized as a result. The bedroom at home has become quite cluttered as has Sarala's bedroom. Not dirty, just disorganized. I don't want to spend my waking hours just doing "stuff." I realize that I must get this back in order so can I reorder everything else in my life and mind. So...this is the strange place in which I find myself...trying to get out.

Now it's time to check my reflection...does my life truly reflect my heart? My passion and talent...are they being used like they should? Sorting this out may take some time but it's a necessity if I am to get out of this strange place. Alright...enough said...back to some sub-plans for tomorrow, then off to work on curriculum, then to game duty tonight. My life seems like it's been busier this year than ever...and I'm not even coaching anymore or taking classes...what the heck?

Hitting a Wall...

The title to this post is a figurative statement...I didn't actually hit a wall...even though I felt like I could have at times. Something happened. Life became overwhelming. I hit a point last Friday where I couldn't take it anymore. What is "it" you ask? Well...it can actually be a lot of things when you think about it. My job has been the big it of late.

I'm worn out. I'm fighting hard to maintain the balance of my own life and school life and it feels like I'm losing...getting beat down in the process. School life is bleeding...and I say that because it is...into my out-of-school life. It seems like I can't escape bringing stuff home...thoughts...worries...thinking about classroom management...discipline issues...instruction...the list goes on. I don't get quality sleep because of this. I don't know what it is but this year is wearing me out and we're only six weeks in. This is where Sarala enters the picture...like the one above.

She's been a huge blessing when it comes to disconnecting...taking time to play, read books. I know that I read books during my day...teaching reading and all...but there's just something about your baby girl asking "Daddy? Book?" It doesn't matter what is happening around me...this request stops me every time and that's exactly what we do...read a book. Tonight the book was a Sesame Street animal guessing-game book. It's in those times where I regain a glimpse of what life is about. As I type, I have to give props to a post from another blog that I follow regularly. This hit me...I think I've even blogged about this before.

Life has been crazy but I think I'm managing now...since Friday...not on my own of course but with help. The help comes from a peace that only a heavenly father can provide and from the people he's placed in my life. I'm tired. I'm tired as I type this...but I feel compelled to blog. I'm currently working on some stuff for school while listening to the new Bebo Norman album...self-titled. It's pretty awesome stuff.... The blog post from Perry Noble expresses exactly what I'm feeling...exactly what I needed to be reminded of. I don't talk to God about things like I should. I don't talk to the people around me like I should...letting them in to help. I'm also reminded of the love and peace only he can provide because he's listening. I make time for Sarala regardless of what's happening...he does the same with me. Remembering this makes the craziness in my life smaller and quieter. Amazing....

Worn Out...

This past week was incredible in terms of business, craziness, and length. If felt like more than just five days. In those times I'm guilty of trying to go through on my own strength. Every time...every time...I try to handle things myself. Oh...I can do it...is usually what I tell myself. The truth is that I can't. Life can be overwhelming if you go it alone...but we're not going it alone. There is a father that can provide peace, rest, guidance in times of crazy. Here's a song I heard the other day on the radio that reminded me of this...

That's What I'm Talkin' 'Bout....

Reflection...

This is Shepard Mountain Lake. I was able to catch a good reflection one evening about two weeks ago. The stillness of the water is something than I don't usually take time to notice. Lately I've been on the go...rushin' here and there...not "russian", but "rushin'." Take today for example...a day loaded with too much.

So, I sit here and am trying to unwind...clear the mind. It's time to get some rest...slow down...reflect on all of the good despite things like having a student throw something at me today. Though it was just a small eraser...it's the idea of it all. Okay, time to rest...back at it tomorrow. Maybe I'll get some time to actually notice the reflection...the stillness...the beauty of things.

Missing Home...

I was checking my e-mail and as I logged out...I saw this flash across one of the windows on the MSN webpage:

The West's top 10 dream towns

Intrigued...I took a look. I figured somewhere in Montana had to qualify...somewhere always does, doesn't matter who's list it is. So...as I perused...I found Bozeman at number 4. I loved living in Bozeman. I'm originally from Billings, MT but Bozeman was my home from fall 1998 to spring 2003. If you do the math...I spent five years there...five years obtaining my bachelor's...yes...five years. I started out declaring a major (don't do it) and ended up not liking it like I thought I would. Engineering...could you see me as an engineer? Hmmm...so somehow...don't really know how...teaching struck me as a possible career. Turns out I've found my calling and I'm now in my 6th year of teaching at AV.

Here's what the MSN list had to say about Bozeman:

4. Bozeman, Mont.

Population: 38,000
Median home price: $299,000

The college town (Montana State University) boasts a picture-perfect setting at the base of the Gallatin Range -- and terrific hiking, fly-fishing and skiing. And a charm-filled downtown. So why doesn't everybody live here? Maybe it's those 14-degree highs in January.

Notice the median home price...I have a friend still lives there that talks the home prices...amazing. I spent a lot of time in schools during my teacher prep that has me wondering...how are these teachers living there with an average starting income of 19,000 a year. Thus...I'm here in MO...well...it's not the only reason...but a reason I'm not in Montana right now. I still have my Montana teaching license though...I maintain that "just in case."

Okay, the point of this post is I'm missing home. Whenever the weather gets like this...it feels like home. Low humidity...cool...perfect for a fire. Also...I'm about to enter a tough season in my professional life. Deadlines, meetings, trying new things...I've got a lot going on in the next month or so. Nothing like the seemingly care-free days of college life. So...if you're ever out west, you've got to go to Bozeman. Go skiing at Bridger Bowl, eat at the Pickle Barrel on College Street, check out the Rockin' R, catch something at the Emerson, get a coffee at the Leaf and Bean, some Moose Drool at Ale Works, head down to Bogart Park, head up to Hyalite... with lot's more to do. Let me know...I may meet you out there. I'm definitely going to make sure Sarala grows up experiencing all the awesome Montana-type stuff...like a yearly ski trip since I'm not coaching anymore...anyone want to go?

Under Pressure...

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.
James 1:2-4, 12

I've been thinking about this idea of "fearless faith" since the weekend. Faith under pressure...under pressure making me think of the Queen/David Bowie song of the same name. This idea of "believing God's truth versus the facts" was mind-blowing for me. Sarala's journey has been our journey. It has done marvelous things with my faith-life...showed me that I need to believe God...no matter what. It was tough and there were doubts...but ultimately peace and guidance came through much prayer...seeking God. I talked to him so much through those times...makes me ashamed that we don't talk as much now. I learned some amazing life lessons that have forever changed my perspective and attitude. I still struggle with things, but I am confident that God is working...regardless of what I am seeing or experiencing.

Though facts can look daunting...God is bigger than all of that. It has done exactly what James is talking about above...I've been rewarded life and more life through Sarala. Amazing...truly amazing!

I love the way James says this (the message translation) "You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors." How true this is. Faith-life. Do you have a faith-life? It's interesting how God works as circumstances, trial, fire bring our faith out into the open. We get to see where we are lacking...that's where God can make up for what we don't have or can't do.

So...I leave you with this...how is faith-life holding up these days? Have hope...be encouraged...talk to God...and remember that you've got people around you who can provide an ear to listen and help if needed.

Believing As Opposed to Believing "in"

I was reminded about a great story this weekend that I haven't thought about in awhile. I guess I shouldn't call it a "story" since it comes out of the Bible. Ol' Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. These were three young men who chose to believe God's truth despite the facts of their situation. They were destined to die...being thrown into a hot, hot fire because they wouldn't bow down and worship a gold image of King Nebuchadnezzar.

They chose to have faith...believing that God will save them, rescue them...not just believing in God and compromising. God came through in a big way that blew minds. Still does. I think about this and compare it to how Crystal and I approached Sarala's situation.

Here we had a baby girl that nobody wanted. We found out about her three days after she was born. The facts were that no one wanted her...she was born 9 weeks premature...she had grade 3 hemorraghe...hydrocephalus...meth in her system...was 2 pounds 8 ounces.

A medical social worker kept emphasizing these facts and tried to talk us out of adopting her because of these things. I don't know how to explain it but I...we...had total peace in our decision to make Sarala ours. At that point I decided to believe that God could heal her...that He would heal her...we definitely thought He should heal her...but if He didn't...we still had peace. She was ours...no matter what.

I prayed...fasted...and started an incredible journey with God that continues to this day. We began to hear of improvements as the days went on. She spent a total of 67 days in the NICU in San Francisco. She then went into a high-risk medical foster until she came to live with us March 8 of 2007. What an amazing time...still is. I'm still blown away by what God has done with Sarala and what he's doing through her. I love it. He honored our faith.

So...when it comes down to it...believe God over the facts. The facts mean nothing in the face of an almighty, loving, indescribable Father

Taking a Small "Break"

Okay...I've been blogging almost everyday now for awhile. I'm going to continue...but I needed a break. We had progress reports that needed to go out at school on Friday...along with some Professional Development that occurred in the afternoon. Needless to say...I was pretty wore out when I got home. On top of those things...we went and looked at a house last night. Exciting. Should we do it...I don't know. We're praying about it. We definitely need the space...especially if we're going to provide a sibling for Sarala. So...I leave you with this...as well as myself. If we get the house...awesome...if not...awesome.

I'll be back to blog once I return home from playing music tonight....

I Knew It...

Ever since I moved here from Montana, Crystal and I have had this conversation...not really an argument...about what to call carbonated beverage. I grew up calling it "pop" and I occasionally hear someone call it that around here. She says its' "soda"...but I found this map that supports my claim...that it's "pop" more places than "soda." Also...it's "coke" down towards Texas...which is something I didn't know until I moved here. Another one of those regional things I guess.