The journey is littered with them...

Have you ever asked yourself "what if"?

What if....

There is so much that could come at the end of that question.

I'm at a point in my life where I would love to eliminate the need for this question...in reference to my life.

I've had too many of these scattered throughout my life...the journey thus far has been littered with them.

When I think about it...most of my what-if's were the result of fear. Fear of...well...instability. The unknown. Conflict. Failure.

As my journey now includes parenthood...being a father...it's vital that I don't pass this on to my daughter.

My journey has been a rough go you could say. My hope and prayer is that I could use my experiences to at least steer...guide...Lala in what I think could be the right direction.

She has such a fearless personality. She is also strong-willed. These are qualities that God himself gave her and...I don't want to squash them.

I sit here tonight thinking...wondering...dreaming. Decisions that I make about my next steps also affect Sarala. I want the best for her. God has some amazing things in store for her and I don't want to be a speed-bump along her journey.

I love the possibilities surrounding her journey...where it could take her if she's open...fearless. Now...I don't mean irresponsible...but my hope is that she would look to God for guidance...and it also wouldn't hurt if she were to ask what I thought about things.

So...what are some of your what-if's?

I realize there are things that are out of your control...but...which what-if's have resided in your thoughts?

One of mine:

What if my dad had survived cancer? Would I be a different person today if I grew up with my dad? (I lost him at 6 and grew up fatherless)

The Backyard...

Just a couple pictures from a beautiful, Saturday in October....

"I Can't Like It...!"

Sarala has got this phrase she says anytime she doesn't like something or doesn't want to do something..."I Can't Like It!" Again...it's not that she doesn't like...she can't like it. I love it...and have adopted it for anything I try and debate, fight against...or just don't want to do.

Seriously...she's got a good point. I've been having a hard time lately when it comes to letting things bother me. It's been a great start to the school year and I love my job. It just seems that life-things tend to pop up from time to time and...the things that pop up are usually things that really irritate me. So...I've decided to adopt this "I Can't Like It!" philosophy. When I encounter things in my day that annoy me, rub me the wrong way..."I Can't Like It!" Again...it's not that I don't want to like it...I CAN'T LIKE IT! ;)

So...just a drop of wisdom on a rainy, RAINY Thursday night from a small child...who...by the way, is not drinking a small latte (as it may seem from the photo) but is actually enjoying some amazing chocolate milk courtesy of Bauhaus Kaffee....

The Journey...

I'm sitting here on a Tuesday night...the sound of the washing machine filling with water is causing me to continually think it's raining outside. I finished the first book I've read in over a year tonight...and it only took me three days to read it. I don't know quite what happened, or how it happened, but I stopped reading. Life, the Journey became too busy. What did I fill it with? I don't really know and it's embarrassing to say that I can't really think of anything substantial. It'd be awesome to say...I spent time in another country doing missions work...dug wells for people in Africa...but I was actually here...by my computer...not really doing much of anything.

The journey has derailed...so to speak. I'm a nerd sometimes...I know! I used to carry my camera around with me and take pictures whenever I found inspiration. That also stopped this past year. Just recently have I picked it back up, loaded it with my SD card, and kept it close. That's where this picture comes in.

This picture is currently my computer desktop. I love the illusion that the tracks create...you can't really see the end. I want my journey, my life to resemble this picture. Not the black and white part of it...the fact that the tracks lead somewhere...not sure exactly where...but somewhere. I need to get back to reading, taking pictures, blogging, and living life. It's sad to say that I've been going through the motions...the routine I've allowed myself to fall into.

Now, I'm not saying that this past year has been bad...there were some great times...but lasting memories? Not as many as I'd like to say. So...my plan is to continue down the path...stay focused on the journey...not to get caught up in the part I can't see down the road but what's going on around me...the here...the now.

So...I leave you with that...myself with that.

When You Find Yourself In The City...

Saturday was supposed to be spent in Chicago...the whole weekend actually...culminating in a U2 concert. Well...everything, and I mean EVERYTHING seemed to go wrong as I was actually planning the specifics of the trip.

I mean...as this is posting...Crystal and I should be listening to some live U2 at Soldier Field in Chi-town...but alas...I'm here in the valley ;)

Anyway...I thought I had covered myself quite well...done an amazing job for Crystal's birthday by planning this trip last spring, buying tickets, and alotting a budget so we could truly enjoy ourselves...despite the fact that school is in full swing.

So...with all my "eggs" in one basket...the basket was taken from me...thrown to the ground and spat upon...the "eggs" shattered along with it...we didn't go.

The weekend worked out though...quite well...which means we probably weren't meant to go since the weekend spent closer to home went very smooth...was fairly stress free.

• 12 West in Farm-town is an amazing place to eat...great atmosphere, great food, and fairly priced....
• Bauhaus Kaffee is fantastic for coffee, a great cookie, and live music on Friday nights
• St. Louis Art Festival in Clayton proved to be a blast...art + food + music = awesome

The only thing that may have been a little questionable was...this older gentleman I walked past while at the Festival.

Now...mind you...it was in the city...so......yes.

I was pushing Sarala in the stroller as we were walking around, persuing the various art booths and eatery options and I saw these legs + stiletto's heading my way.

Now, I'm normally not one to check out the chicks, considering I AM married...but I was trying to get Sarala's stroller over one of those things that covers a bunch of wires...and I notice these heels and legs in my line of sight.

As I look up to see who it is...so I don't run them over;)...out of curiosity...I find that it is an older, quite old gentleMAN who was wearing some very...short...shorts, a scarf, beret, but was rockin' a full Santa-esque beard and stiletto's.

I imagine he would get mistaken for Santa...if Santa wore heels and showed some leg ;)

Apparently he's about comfort...as I am not about passing judgement, but I was thrown for a little bit...the equilibrium rocked as this is something that one wouldn't normally see around AV and I wasn't quite prepared.

So...just remember that when you're in the city...that...you're IN THE CITY!

Happy Face Song...

Happiness. Joy. Contentment. Peace. These are all words that describe Sarala. This is a picture of a happy face that must be drawn every time we color. And...for some reason Jason Mraz's song "I'm Yours" is known to her as the "Happy Face Song" and she sings it out everytime it plays. I love it...every minute of it....

Tonight we had the chance to take her shopping with some of her birthday money. She ended up picking out some Play-Doh and a movie..."The Emperor's New Groove." The appreciation and happiness she displays whenever she gets something makes it incredibly tough for us not to want to give her everything.

Joy. Plain and simple joy. Hours spent at the kitchen table making various food items out of Play-Doh, serving them to mom, then making some more. The other night she had me make a mouse in the midst of our culinary creation...she then proceeded to "cook" it. Man...we had a laugh. She realized the ridiculousness of cooking mice and...we laughed until we cried.

Tears. Tears of joy. These are the moments of life that I cherish...around the kitchen table...cooking mice. Despite all the issues that seem so big at times...God has provided a sanctuary, place of rest and restoration. God has blessed us so much...beyond measure...through Sarala.

There has been a theme running through my summer blog posts. I've spent the last couple months trying to find peace...actively looking for it, not knowing or realizing that I had it right in front of me...in the form of a Play-Doh mouse grilled, complimented by Play-Doh fruit snacks. Sarala loves fruit snacks;) It has been amazing to lose myself in our nightly Play-Doh sessions and to remember what it's like to laugh, cry, imagine, and smile.

The journey has had twists and turns but I find myself having grown a little...matured maybe...not letting things bother me as much as they would've not too long ago. It's there...all around us...at work...home...school...wherever...amazing God-colors.

I leave myself with this:

I must choose joy, peace, contentment, happy along the journey.

How about you? Where is your peace...joy...happy?

Where I Am...

My Brightness - words and music by Charlie Hall
Well I’ve been hit from every corner
And I’ve been thrown from side to side
And I’m cracked up in the inside
So I come to You for life
Your presence always heals me
So I wanna’ drink it in
You know where we’re going God
And You know where I’ve been

And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning
And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning
And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning around.

Yesterday I felt so angry
And today so insecure
And I hate it that I wrestle with the God that I adore
Your presence always heals me
So I wanna drink it in
You know where we’re going God
And You know where I’ve been.

And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning
And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning
And your love is like a rock
When I’m spinning

And I know less about You
But my heart loves You so much more
You’re the bright in sadness
You’re my brightness

I wish this thing could pass from me
But I’m wanting what You want
So bring me high and bring me low
Just hold me in Your love

The Current Journey...

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.
Philippians 4:6

I read some amazing questions/statements/quotes today that sparked some major reflection:

"Am I willing to spend more time in prayer today than I do on worry or fear?"

Are you listening to yourself more than to God?

Worry is like prayer to the wrong god.

So...how do you stack up next to these thoughts?

This is where I've been...dealing with how Cerebral Palsy, though mild, is affecting Sarala.

An Update...August 7, 2009

Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him!
Philippians 4:4

I have had a hard time lately coming to terms with the reality that is cerebral palsy. This past summer has shown me how it can...or could...affect Sarala and I'm saddened by it. The reminders are becoming more frequent as Sarala quickly approaches the age of 3...August 26.

We had an appointment this week with one of Sarala's "people" who asked us some questions regarding her development. It appears that all is well...until we begin talking about gross-motor type things. Her legs are obviously giving her trouble. She's almost three and has trouble running, walking, and jumping. These are things that we don't think about until we are confronted with them in daily life...like today.

We were invited to celebrate another year of life for the child of a friend of ours. He's two and the fact that he's running and jumping like he is...and Sarala isn't...causes sadness. Do I show this? No. It's not evident. It's not even a conscious thought. It only rears it's ugly head when I'm thinking...hoping...praying...and it hits at night. This is where I've been...mourning.

Mourning has caused a change in my mood...a change in my demeanor that lies just under the surface as I go throughout my daily life. It remains as something that hangs in the back of my mind, and as I stated earlier...is not consciously present. I've had a hard time reconciling my hopes and fears with reality...especially since it's summer. Summer is such a blessed time...an amazing time allowed through my teaching career. This is where my rest should come...but it's not...not entirely.

The rest isn't there....here. I find myself awake during the night...my mind a mess. As a result, my prayer-life has been a confusing wad of...thoughts, hopes, fears....

I am happy. I'm not saying that I'm not happy...just having a hard time dealing with what's next...wanting amazing things for my baby girl, who isn't much of a baby anymore.

Then...I read something like the verse above from Philippians and begin to recall the amazing works of God that surround Sarala's story and life thus far. He has done amazing things with her and is still working. He can still work...my faith needs to hold. I can't let the lingering "what-ifs" keep residence within my mind. I need to choose to accept that there is nothing to add to what I'm already doing for my baby even though I would do anything if it would help. God...take these "what-ifs"! Faith...I must maintain that God will continue to do amazing things...and if he doesn't...He's done so much...what a testament to God's ability to work...in the present.

The photo above shows a healthy, exuberant little babe...taken last week.

I leave myself with this:

Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it’s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
1 Peter 1:7

Sarala's Playlist...as of August 4, 2009

If Sarala created a playlist...it would include:
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
Mat Kearney - Closer to Love
Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
Kanye West - Love Lockdown
Skillet - Whispers in the Dark
Caedmon's Call - Sarala, Volcanoland
Journey - Don't Stop Believing.

I love it. These are regular requests in the car whenever we're traveling somewhere...currently.